Quinn and I have been a breast feeding couple for quite sometime now. First, we just practiced latching and sucking. She was (and still is) a professional at this skill from the beginning. Then, she needed to start transferring milk from my breast into her mouth, and swallowing. This took some time, but I thought we were really getting it. I have felt her suck, heard her swallow, and seen milk in the breast shield and in her mouth.
However, the NICU does these test weights. They weigh the baby before breast feeding on a highly sensitive scale, and then again post breast feeding in the exact same conditions. The baby's weight gain is suppose to correlate with the intake of breast milk. Some of the nurses, and especially the lactation specialists, swear up and down by this. Some of the other nurses take a little less stock in it.
Well, Quinn and I have had to endure pre/post weights, twice, and both times her weight remained exactly the same. It seems that she is doing everything right, so it must be me. I am not letting down/producing enough weight for her to transfer. Or the scale thing is stupid and I should just ignore it and keep doing what I am doing.
However what has happened is, after 12 weeks of pumping, I am totally frustrated and discouraged. I just cried and cried after the weights on Saturday night. The nurse must have thought I was a little crazy. It makes me seriously consider quitting breast feeding, and just doing bottles. I could still pump, but not put Quinn to my breast anymore. Breast feeding is so important to me, but the scrutiny I have been under is starting to get to me. I love nursing Quinn. Her oxygen levels are always high during this time, and has been wonderful bonding. That being said, I rarely get to breast feed my baby without two to three people watching, making suggestions, and judging.
Some of these people have been really kinds and helpful, some have just made me stressed and uncomfortable. However, they all say the same thing. Quinn is doing great. This kid can eat. Etc, Etc. So, again it is obviously a Jessi problem, and I feel so guilty/defective (which I have a lot of feelings of otherwise since my body can't carry a baby to term) right now. I should be able to feed my baby. I want to feed my baby. I have waited to long to feed my baby. However, the thought of breast feeding is now so stressful, and I am sure that is "wonderful" for milk production.
I need help. The nurse tonight suggested no more test weights, which I would love, however, I don't think everyone in the NICU would be on board with this plan. Can I flat out refuse? Or will I look like a horrible mother who does not care if she is starving her baby for the sake of pride? Does anyone know anything about test weights? Anyone know anything about babies, preemies or otherwise, not transferring milk? Anyone have trouble letting their milk down?
8 comments:
I'm so sorry Jess, that sucks . . . I've heard the same thing about test weights -- some people swear by them, and some people think they're kinda worthless.
Breastfeeding, as much as I love it, is inherently stressful when it comes to 'how much is my baby getting?' It's not like a bottle where you can see what they drank. I can only imagine it's 10x so for you with Quinn, when it's being watched & measured by a half dozen people. I have wigged out many times to my husband when the baby's screaming, like what if I'm starving them to death and don't even know it. Greg, fortunately, has way more confidence in my body than I do sometimes, and always reassures me that it's doing what it's supposed to. Anyway, it seems like if she's sucking, and the nurses are convinced she's nursing like a champ, then she's getting milk. Why it's not showing up on the scale, I don't know . . . it seems unlikely she's getting absolutely no milk . . . ???
You know your milk supply has been great so far, and it seems like you'd let down better for your actual baby then the pump. But maybe it is stressful to let down with all those people in the room, but then again, you're hearing sucking and swallowing, and lactation consultants should be able to tell the difference between her sucking and getting nothing and getting something.
My advice, as if it's worth something, would be keep going with it. Can you possibly clear more people out of the room during feeds? While you're in the hospital, waiting for her eyes to mature, it seems like you have a nice back up safety net, that she's still getting milk other ways as well, and it's not like they're going to let her lose weight. Maybe another couple weeks and your body will either improve let down, or you'll have enough experience hearing and watching her eat that you'll be able to confidently tell the scale it's full of crap.
In the long run, I think you'll be glad you stuck with it, since it's been important to you, and when you're going to be home with your little one with nobody in the room, you'll love being able to hold and cuddle her while you nurse, and it'll take the already wonderful experiences you've had nursing her to a whole new level when you're in your own space, just the two (and three, well, and four with Piper) of you. And even if for some reason she's not getting much milk from you now, you mentioned the other benefits of her oxygen levels being up, and the bonding and healing time it can be for both of you. Worst case scenario though, like you said, is that she drinks pumped milk through a bottle. She's still getting ALL the same benefits of the milk, and you're less stressed about how much she's eating. And even if you go to bottles in the hospital, as long as you're pumping, you have the option of trying breastfeeding again when you're home.
(Sorry, still more . . . it wouldn't fit in one post :-)!!)
Good luck though! As cheesy as it sounds, just trust your instincts. I have had a doctor tell me my daughter wasn't nursing well and I needed to add formula or she'd be malnourished, and I have a HARD time going against a doctor's wishes, but something in me told me he was wrong and freaked out for no reason, and with the reassurance from Greg that my body was doing what it was supposed to be doing, I decided to tell the doctor I appreciated his opinion, but I didn't agree. (Even then though, I still randomly freaked out about her intake -- I constantly worried she wasn't going to get enough, so I upped my water, I started to nurse as much in isolation as possible (get Annie out of the room, so it was just Ellie and I), and I added some nursing-friendly foods that were supposed to help supply. (I don't think I actually needed any of that, as my supply was most likely perfectly fine and suited to Ellie, but I think sometimes we as Moms have to feel like we're doing something -- which is why I started a stupid dairy-free diet yesterday in hopes of it helping out Isaac's new found colicky-ness). Anyway, Ellie's perfectly healthy and strong and growing . . . she was just little there for awhile. It was one of the few times I told a doctor I wasn't going to listen to him, and I'm glad I did.
Even your lactation consultants who swear by the test weights, should understand that added stress (as well as a big audience) could be detrimental to your let down . . . maybe if you approached it that way, that the stress it's causing is effecting things negatively . . . and ask for more time to establish the breastfeeding relationship before they're trying to measure it to the gram!
And you're not defective Jess -- your body, against all kinds of odds, got pregnant and carried her to an age of viability. Then, when you couldn't keep her inside anymore, you started to pump and got enough milk to fill a freezer. Your body is doing more miracles in creating this perfect food for a tiny preemie to grow into the plump, chubby-cheeked cherub who's pictures amaze all of us day after day. Your mere touch and voice are enough to raise her mood and her oxygen . . . your body isn't defective Jessi, it's the body of a Mother -- it defied all odds and did everything in it's power to get your baby girl to where she is now. Your body and hers have exceeded all expectations and done amazing things. I know it wasn't the picture perfect path to motherhood that we all take for granted, but your body went above and beyond to bring you this baby girl. It's anything but defective! It's nearly as miraculous as Quinn's body is! Like mother, like daughter.
I'm so sorry to hear about your tears. I have a huge amount of admiration for you and everything you have been through. Quinn is incredibly fortunate to have you as her mommy! Whatever you decide will be best for you and Quinn. The most important thing is that Quinn is here to be part of your family.
Jessi...This totally made me feel for you. I have always had issues with nursing. At three months, mine just shuts off. I have no idea why, so the defective body thing I totally understand. I know Quinn's birth isn't what any mom plans, but you are an amazing mom obviously, and she is so perfect in her own way. I have never heard of the weight thing, but breast milk actually can be different from one mom to the next. Some produce enough, but it doesn't have enough milk fat in it, more like water. Not sure how yours is or if this would make any difference, but with my last I took a supplement called Fenugreek. It made the milk I produced have a heavier consistency. My baby was always fuller faster when I took this. I am with Hilary though, keep up the pumping if this is important to you, and maybe try again when you are home with her for the four weeks after she is released. It is your decision as her mom to do what is best for your family. Good luck! I do feel for you, because I have been there, sorry. If you are interested in the supplement at all let me know...I still have some you can try it if you want?
I am so sorry to hear your frustrations, breast feeding is a wonderful thing, but frustrating at the same time. I never had to do the test weight, but I was not ever able to produce enough milk for Sophie, so we had to go to formula. I still nursed for as long as I could, but then with Stella I nursed for about 4 months, and then lost my supply. I started her on formula, and all is fine. I say do what you feel will be best for you and Quinn, and do NOT let those nurses get under your skin. They are often very clinical, and by the book when it comes to breast feeding. I remember getting so nervous when they were all in the room watching and supervising. With Sophie I was clueless, and I let them stay to "help". With Stella, I told them I knew what I was doing. Maybe see if you could have some peace and quiet and see if that helps you. Do you have a nursing cover(I loved mine). Hang in there girl, I am sorry you are having a hard time with the nursing. Just remember your baby will be fine with a bottle, and you can still snuggle a baby eating from a bottle too. Sending hugs to you. :)
I wish that I had some comforting words for you, I just know that whatever happens Quinn has the best parents possible!!! I can't imagine what you are going through but your body is amazing and is doing everything within it's power to do the "right thing". I know that my mom went through a lot during her pregnancies with us, she might be a good person to talk to about the thought of "defective bodies" but my true belief is that your body is doing everything it can under the circumstances and that is wonderful in and of it's self! You are wonderful and Quinn is so lucky to have you!!!
Jess,
You are amazing and don't doubt it for a second! So many moms would have given up pumping a long time ago and you have stuck with it for Quinn. I suggest just sticking with it (give yourself a timeline so you don't go crazy-like if Quinn and I can't get this breastfeeding thing down by...). Drake and I went through a rough patch but we stuck with it and I absolutely LOVED breastfeeding. I was actually kinda sad when it was time to give it up. It was an amazing bonding experience. It is not just about the food it is about the closeness that you share with her. You are a champ and I can only second what Hilary had to say! Irregardless, children come to this world with parents half as good as you guys and still make it. Rest assured no matter what you do all Quinn needs is love and that will not be in short supply!
I am so sorry sweetie! I know that you want to be the best mommy ever. I know that you are doing a great job. I also know that having someone watching you do the best you can and making comments can make that process hard. One of our old friends struggled with some people in the hospital judging her while she tried to feed, so don't feel alone. You are my hero for hanging in there even though it is really hard.
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