Last night, I was texting back and forth with VaRonica about the three B's- birth, babies, and breastfeeding-since she is due in the middle of March, which is right around the corner, people. I am going to be an aunt in less than two months! We are really excited about a new baby around here.
Our conversation really got me thinking about Quinn's birth, and my experiences with her and the three B's, both as a pregnant woman, and a mom.
(Disclaimer: we weren't actually calling them the three B's last night, it is just something clever I came up with right now to give my post a theme.)
First B: Birth
During pregnancy: I had planned to have an unmedicated, vaginal birth. Then, things went very badly, very quickly. I love that the Resident that delivered me gave me the option to still deliver Quinn the way I had wanted and planned, but warned that it was unlikely that the baby would not tolerate labor, and that a c-section was the best way to go. And even though, I never imagined in a million years that I would have c-section, I knew it was the medically sound choice.
As a mom: I mourned the loss of a "normal" birth and pregnancy. I was sad that I never went into labor and got big and pregnant, but for the most part, never looked back. I also had to mourn the loss of future pregnancy and babies, but again, it felt like the right choice.
Second B: Babies
During pregnancy: I pictured myself having a big nine or ten pound baby. I avoided buying newborn sized clothes. I worried about being due at the same time as the school year starting, and tried to make decisions about my maternity leave.
As a mom: I had a one pound baby, that did not even fit into preemie sized clothes. I got to split my maternity leave into two sections, and have all summer off. I was stretched as a person in a way I could have never imagined, and loved in a way that was also new and exhilarating. Quinn was such a good and easy baby. She was happy, and made my new role in life easy, despite all the medical complications.
I would never want to go through all that again (and would never want to see another child suffer like that), but it was my reality, and it was actually manageable. I feel ok with the fact that my introduction to motherhood was dramatic and anything but normal.
Third B: Breastfeeding
During pregnancy: I figured I would breastfeed for at least one year, but more likely 18 months to two years. I knew that breastfeeding was the most healthy option for mom and baby, and also the most cost efficient.
As a mom: The NICU was very pro-breast milk, not so much pro-breast feeding. I exclusively pumped for months, and received little support from the lactation team at the hospital. When it came time to get to actually nurse Quinn, they were always watching, interfering, and trying to make it about numbers and weight. As Quinn's resistance to the bottle grew, the less I actually got to breast feed. It was frustrating, and got in the way of the good thing we had going.
When Quinn got home, concerns we being raised about her weight gain, and my breast feeding was further limited, until I was encouraged to go back to exclusive pumping right as my maternity leave was ending. I just couldn't do it. I had about two and half months of breast milk stored, and Quinn continued to receive that, mixed with formula (for calories) until she was ten months old.
And while I know why I made the choice to stop nursing/pumping, I have never really come to terms with it. I guess because breastfeeding was so important to me, and I knew breast milk was so important to Quinn. And because, after months of not being able to hold her or care for her, it was the most normal and natural thing I got to do with my baby. And because, it felt like other people's actions and opinions influenced me/practically forced (because I didn't want to do anything to hurt Quinn) into something that would have never been my choice. I just really wish I would have stuck to my guns, and nursed Quinn for at least the first year of her life.
It is funny. If you would have asked the pregnant me, what would be worse- this being your only pregnancy, or not breastfeeding for year? I would have answered, one pregnancy. But the answer now is the opposite. It has been the hardest thing of the three B's to face a different outcome than the one I predicted. Life is funny that way.
