On Being a Preemie Parent....

I read this story about being the parent of a preemie. It hit a nerve with me. Maybe because I have enough distance from the worse parts of it now, but this article really got me reflecting on how much I felt all of these things. I think all new parents feel a lot of these things that the article discusses, but I think it just amplified when you are the parent to a preemie, a sick baby, or a baby with disabilities. Here are the parts of the article that rang most true to me, although luckily, I avoided the postpartum depression that preemie parents are more likely to experience.

1. Insensitive comments. The article talks about people commenting on a baby's size, and while an innocent enough comment normally,can really get to a parent on an off day. It hasn't been size for me (usually), but the whole your baby could of/should have died discussion I have had repeatedly with people I barely know pushed me over the edge some days. Or people I barely know asking me if this will happen with all my pregnancies and if I will have more babies. (Yes it will, and not likely, in case you were wondering.)

2. Feelings of isolation. Spending almost five months in the hospital with Quinn all day, every day was extremely isolating. Phone calls were next to impossible, and the only way to communicate with the outside world at times was a quick blog post, or an email. Plus I was trying to figure things out in my head. Quinn was very sick, and her future was very uncertain. I was not in a place to be social, even if I had had time, which I didn't.

Spending the next six months on "house arrest" was even more isolating. I think people thought at this point I was blowing them off. I was really trying to balance work, doctor's appointment, a baby who wouldn't eat, and needed to stay on a strict feeding schedule, oxygen and machines beeping, keep Quinn healthy, and being a new parent all at once.

3. Feelings of stress. This is pretty obvious. Quinn was very sick for a long time. Stressful. Pumping was stressful and time-consuming. The hospital itself was stressful. Dealing with my health issues was stressful. Going back to work was stressful. Quinn's eating was stressful. Quinn's machines beeping was stressful. Dealing with insurance companies was stressful. Avoiding germs was stressful. The lack of sleep was stressful. Not knowing what the future looked like for us or Quinn was stressful. Never being home was stressful. You get the picture.

4. Feelings of guilt. Although, not logical, I had many days when I felt horribly guilty that Quinn was suffering, and it was all my fault she was born early and so sick. And then, when I quit breast feeding, I felt all the guilt all over again. It sucked. And I felt like I was being betrayed over and over again by my body, while letting my child down.

5. Mourning the loss of normal pregnancy. I missed out on going into labor, and telling Dalan, "it's time." I missed being hugely pregnant and uncomfortable. Only I ever felt her kick, everybody else, especially Dalan, missed out on feeling her kick from the outside. I missed out on them placing her on me after she was born. We missed out on getting to hold her for the first month of her life. We missed out on hearing her cry after she was born. We missed out on getting to really celebrate her birth, because it was so scary and not a time of rejoicing.